We won't sleep together?
Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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