guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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