The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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