im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
