Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize