Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
