I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Never joke about your clitoris.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize