If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
and you fell through a lawn chair
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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