nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize