it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I think my moral compass just broke
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
