my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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