Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
