There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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