atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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