uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
