i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
