Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize