honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
