Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i think i have two assholes
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
