This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
