I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
