im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Can you bring me the toilet please
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
