So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
