Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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