I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Enjoy the penises
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
