That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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