forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
