He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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