he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
