the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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