from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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