I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize