I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
