he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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