I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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