Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
