Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
