Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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