I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize