I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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