We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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