So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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