Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
