Where did you get a picture of my penis
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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