I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Randomize
