apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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