Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
