it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
