Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
