If i could tip my vagina, i would.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
