Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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