I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
