Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I wish you could order shots online.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
