i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
