if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
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