Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize