just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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