after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
