Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
The air taste purple.
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