Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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