if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
