why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
