Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
even my farts smell like vagina
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I don't deserve a penis
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
