i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
